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You Were Only Waiting For This Moment To Arrive

I’ll be submitting my SFSU application soon, and my CSULB one too, but if I go to LB I’ll have to live at home for another two years and

please. god.

don’t let that happen. I can’t stand it anymore.

I’m talking about my little sister here. I love her and I would die if something ever happened to her but I feel like she is my freakin’ daughter and not my sister. I pick her up from school, I’m expected to help her do her homework, my parents don’t discipline her so I have to do it, and I take her out places (movies, Disneyland, etc). I could very well be her mother… some people at her school think that I am her mother. I would like to have my own life, one that I choose and not one that is handed to me.

I still feel like I’m in middle school, my parents won’t “let me” do anything! They’ve been more chill about it lately, but my curfew is still mainly 10 p.m., although sometimes it can be stretch to 11 or 12, I can’t spend the night at anyone’s house EVER. They’ve only recently started letting me go on trips with my friends.
Ugh.

Okay that is my story.

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Friends and Memories

Music: Badly Drawn Boy: Silent Sigh
Color scheme: Dark Brooding Red and Empty Black
Mood: content

I feel like slipping into cool crisp cotton sheets on a windy November afternoon with a warm mug of hot cocoa and some caramel popcorn. A red shag rug next to my bed. The soft sunlight washes in through the curtains and turns the black into blue grey. The phone rings and it’s a familiar voice that I haven’t heard in a very long time. We catch up on the last one and a half years while I watch When Harry Met Sally on mute.

It’s good to be in the company of true friends. The kind who don’t judge and are always warm and welcoming. They give you the same feeling as returning to your Elementary School and realizing how small everything is now, seeing where you used to play tag, the swings you fell off, and where you cried when you realized how much it really hurt to lose someone.

I wish life were as simple as that. No reminders floating around in the back of your head about appointments and to do lists while you drive to work late. No deciding which bills to pay on time and which bills to pay late because you’ve gone over budget again this month. No feeling disappointed and alone when that guy you met at Starbucks didn’t call, or the guy from the newspaper stand, or the blind date. No being annoyed when your loser ex calls and asks to see you again. No wishing your dad was still around to take you to the circus and wishing you could still talk to your mother.

Okay, you get it. I’ll stop now.

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Wish I Was Someone Else

I feel so translucent.

Translucent is the equivalent of stupid/meaningless/dense. I used to think really deep thoughts. I find it’s a lot easier to deal with life when your head is empty… but in order to be like that I need to trade in all meaningful conversation, intelligence and depth for trendy clothes and general air headed politeness.

That’s the only way to fit in with society, to dilute your personality and opinions. I like it because it makes things simpler but I hate it because it makes me look stupid. AND if I want money I need to grow some balls and become absolutely ruthless…not afraid to stab people in the back, kiss ass, and act superior…I hate this the most because it takes the most effort to act this way.

What am I supposed to do?

Somebody turn me into a mermaid.

side note: various fireworks started at around 8:20 pm….sirens started at 9:03 pm.