Memories Long Since Past

For the past four (almost five) years I’ve kept an online journal elsewhere. Every now and then I like to go back and read the entries. It’s a pretty good time line and some times it’s fun to look back. I usually find myself pretty amusing and wonder why I’m no longer as funny or witty. Of course, now I’m wondering if I’ll look back at this entry and think the same thing.

I’ve decided that I’m going to periodically copy and paste entries from that blog to this one. Just to make sure there’s a backup copy somewhere. The ramblings of 20 year old me can be very entertaining and sometimes enlightening.

Now, I’ve kept personal handwritten journals ever since I learned how to write, but I’ll probably never go and consolidate these into one large volume or even transcribe them into electronic form. Mostly this is because it’s extremely time consuming but also because I’m sure most of it is mundane. Although, there are probably a few pivotal moments in my life of which I’d probably like some kind of personal recollection.

Let’s start with this one that was dated December 1, 2004 @ 8:50 A.M. I’m choosing this one because I feel like this is where I started. This is around the time I started making decisions and learning about things the hard way.

Don’t bother reading, it’s too long and too emotional. Nobody should put that much effort into knowing about someone else’s life

Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your loving
Like the sunshine
Everybody’s gotta learn sometime

How can someone say that he/she loves you yet not be with you?

Confusion: I can only think of one possible answer: He/She doesn’t really love you.
I can accept that, and if that were the case I would try my best to move on. Where it gets confusing is that he insists that he does, that he does in fact love me, forever. That is where my heart gets torn in two. It would be so easy to move on if he would just let me,but really it’s just I who is letting me get pulled back in.

Anger: Someone told me that I have the power to stop this. The relationship can be over when I decide it is over. I made that decision, and then I let myself fall back into it. I said I didn’t want to talk to him, not for a long time. It was a week and then he called me…I didn’t call him, he called me, repeatedly. When I say repeatedly I mean about ten times in succession, so I finally picked up. I was doing so well and making progress, then it all went to shit and I was really pissed about it. He called to tell me he misses me and loves me. That made my situation worse and made me even madder.

Despair: You can only stay mad for so long, eventually it turns into something else. You think about it all the time and it starts to change shape and morph into another feeling. It spills into other parts of your life. It haunts you in your dreams. I honestly have dreams about this whole thing. Even when I’m asleep I have no solace. I wake up and I feel as if I have no escape and I cry. And I’m so tired of holding it all in, which is why I’m documenting this horrible, damaging period. It seems morbid but this way I can feel like I’ve put it all away somewhere and start with a clean slate, although I know that in a short while that board will be full with equations and theories with no free space at all. Then I begin to philosophize and the feeling morphs again.

Truth: He doesn’t want to be in a long distance relationship, which is why he says can’t be with me right now. He chooses to be with someone closer. He wants me to come home to him when I’m finished with school. He actually wants me to come home right now and finish school but that is as much as a “no can do” as him moving up here. I won’t have it. I want to be in a relationship with him again, even if it means waiting a month to see each other. I might be acting immaturely but so is he if he can’t understand how much it hurts me to know he is with someone else but telling me his heart is with me. What BULLSHIT! (That’s the anger talking.)

Rationalization: I keep telling myself that he isn’t doing this to be malicious, I know long distance is something that he can’t do (I mean I hear it and understand but I don’t personally agree with it), but the fact that he won’t leave me alone and let me heal is the part that I hate him for. Then I think “but he loves me” and I’d love to come home to him, but would I want to after this? And what if this is the best thing that could happen to me…if I hold off and do what he wants? See other people while I’m away untill we can be together again. People do this right? But does that mean I’m giving in? We’re back at confusion again.

The Cycle: The order changes sometimes and there are even some additions/omissions once in awhile, it varies from cycle to cycle but these are the main components. I wonder if I will be forced to live the cycle until the end of the coming year when I will decide my next move. I’ll just live in this miserable little biosphere that supports the cycle within itself, a merry-go-round that never stops. Somebody please pull the lever, push a button, drag your feet, and stop this.

I could just jump but why would you want to get off a golden, shimmering, musical merry-go-round? The consequences are painful to think of.

Leave you here
Wearing your wounds
Waving your gun
Somebody new
Baby you’re a lost cause