I feel that I have the desire, a very strong desire, to do something great. And I don’t even know what but SOMETHING and it has to be great. But I lack the drive. Is that even possible? To have the desire but not actually do anything? Maybe that’s a contradiction. If I have a desire, and my desire was as strong as I say (or think), I would actually be making things happen. I’d be DOING something.
So, what’s holding me back? I guess that’s really the question. The right one anyway. Laziness? Fear of failure? Fear of hardwork? Which I suppose is the same as laziness.
I think what I really miss is the opportunity to not have anything to think about. I think being in college was when I did my best thinking, my best growing…
I think I attribute that to having so much free time. Free time to slack off and not use my brain for anything but selfish thoughts. These thoughts were mostly about my life. I thought a lot about who I was, how I got where I was and who/where I wanted to be and how to get there.
It’s possible that there’s a time and place for that kind of thinking and college is where it should all be done. But (and I don’t think this is any secret for anyone who knows me) I like to challenge expectations. What if I did this kind of thinking now? When I’m 26 years aged? What would happen then? How would I get to do that? Obviously I need to make money, I spend about 8-9 hours a day using my brain to… no, I spend 8-9 hours a day loaning my brain out to my employers, during this time my brain is working for them and not for me.
Is there a job where I can just let my brain do thinking exclusively for myself? Some would say “Yeah, Mitz. That’s what happens when you leave work at the end of the day.” I need more time than just 16 hours though, and allow me to point out that 6-7 of those hours I am actually unconscious, so those don’t even count. Anyway, I don’t even know why I’m talking about these hours on a daily basis. I should be thinking weekly.
In college I was “working” for a total of about 15 hours a week. That’s 15/120 hours! Note: I’m only talking weekdays here. That means I had roughly 85 hours a week (I didn’t sleep much in college. Which is normal, right?) to think about my life. Seeing as how I work 40 hours a week right now (sometimes it feels like 50), I’d say that’s a lot of time to be using my brain for thinking about things.
And now, now what? I don’t even have the time to calculate how much time I have to think about my life. No wonder I feel lost, hopeless, without any drive or focus. I can’t even get a decent Deep Thoughtâ„¢ in that amount of time. I think it takes at least 4 hours of undisturbed non-think to get to the Deep Thoughtâ„¢ head space. The only way for me to get there now is to stay up way late (much like I am tonight). Or to start while I’m at work and that’s not going to happen. What I need now is to find a way to still make money to stay live, but still be able to let my brain work for me as much as possible.
Well, there’s another project to work on. I can’t think about this anymore, I need to go to sleep. (Damn you, schedule of a responsible adult!)