Author: Mitzi

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Memories Long Since Past

For the past four (almost five) years I’ve kept an online journal elsewhere. Every now and then I like to go back and read the entries. It’s a pretty good time line and some times it’s fun to look back. I usually find myself pretty amusing and wonder why I’m no longer as funny or witty. Of course, now I’m wondering if I’ll look back at this entry and think the same thing.

I’ve decided that I’m going to periodically copy and paste entries from that blog to this one. Just to make sure there’s a backup copy somewhere. The ramblings of 20 year old me can be very entertaining and sometimes enlightening.

Now, I’ve kept personal handwritten journals ever since I learned how to write, but I’ll probably never go and consolidate these into one large volume or even transcribe them into electronic form. Mostly this is because it’s extremely time consuming but also because I’m sure most of it is mundane. Although, there are probably a few pivotal moments in my life of which I’d probably like some kind of personal recollection.

Let’s start with this one that was dated December 1, 2004 @ 8:50 A.M. I’m choosing this one because I feel like this is where I started. This is around the time I started making decisions and learning about things the hard way. Continue reading “Memories Long Since Past”

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All You Need Is Love

There’s more to life than love and bein’ together

Is there? Tegan and Sara think there’s more. (been listening to a lot of Tegan and Sara lately)

I think the purpose of life is love. The whole point is to find people to love and be with them and then…die. Everything else is just filler. Yeah you might set off in the world with a greater purpose like finding a cure for HIV and AIDS. Or maybe finding an infinitely renewable energy source. Okay, I guess technically speaking there’s more to life than love and being together.

Am I a hopeless romantic for thinking the purpose of life is to love? Maybe I’m just sad. Have I got it all wrong? How could love be wrong? I mean, there’s definitely a line between sharing your perpetual fountain of boundless love with everyone and just being so desperate for love that you’ll take whatever comes. Really good love though, the kind that shows up unexpectedly when you need it, the kind that is there even if you don’t want it and will be there until you decide you do, the kind that changes your life, is what makes life worth living, what else could it be?

I guess I’ve always been a dreamer, even when I pretend I’m not.

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Live Through This…

and you won’t look back

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say

I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say

When ever a relationship ends I turn to the usual suspects to for comfort. My aunt, my cousin, strangers, music, and movies.

My aunt has been through everything I’ve been through but about 10 years before me. We’re undoubtedly different people, but she has experienced a lot of what I’m just now going through. I suppose it’s not so much that I turn to her for understanding and empathy but more for insight and word of what it’s like once I pass through the tunnel. She knows what’s waiting on the other side for me and has the flashlight to guide me through.

I turn to my cousin for empathy and a little bit of that Sex In The City mindset. She lives in New York, Hong Kong before that. Although she is a few years my youth (younger? Did I use that phrase correctly?) she definitely outranks me in relationship experience. This is neither depressing nor embarrassing for me. There are other parts of life in which I hold more experience. We depend on each other for different insight, especially since a lot of the time our opinions are quite varied. I still appreciate her advice and her positive attitude that sometimes I lack.

For some reason I’ve found easiest to open up to strangers when it comes to matters of the heart. They don’t have any background to judge you by and are forced to look at the situation objectively. Sometimes you learn things about strangers in this way, you get a small glimpse into a life they once had if they’re willing to open up. Advice from strangers should be taken with a grain of salt of course, there is the question of credibility and their objectivity is not good for certain situations. Plus, it’s just nice to talk to people and make a human connection with a real emotion that we all share.

Music is an obvious choice for a lot of people. I tend to make playlists of events and or periods of my life. Sometimes I will listen to the same 10 songs for a month and that will become my October 2006 playlist. When I hear those songs it takes me back to that place in my life and everything I was feeling during that time. Time capsules of music. I can’t even begin to describe the healing properties of music but I have a feeling you already know so I will just leave it at that.

A darkened theater makes for a great transportation portal. The only thing you can really see is the screens and then you’re enveloped by what’s displayed on it and what you’re hearing on the Dolby or THX surround sound. Movies are my escape. For two hours I can forget, I can be somewhere else and look at someone else’s life. It can be beautiful, exciting, insightful, confusing, mysterious, and/or hilarious. It’s a mini-vacation. There’s something to be said about going to the movies alone.

I’ve prescribed these things for myself and I’ll live through this.

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Father Knows Best

My dad is so cute. Apparently my mommy spilled the beans about my love woes to everybody in the family because I’ve gotten calls from my aunt and my dad. My dad’s call was the best because we don’t really talk about serious issues. And when they do come up in conversation it’s usually us arguing and disagreeing about whatever.

Anyway, he called me and was trying to talk to me in English but he can’t really express himself as well as he could in Chinese so then he switches to Chinese with some English words in every now and then.

He asked me what was wrong because he heard me talking to my mom about it last night for about an hour. I told him I was thinking about moving back home at the end of the year. He told me that love is hard and the my first love probably won’t be my last and that I am still young and there is still a lot of time for me. He said moving back home won’t fix anything for long. It was funny because that wasn’t the reason why I’d be moving home.

I told him about Daniel wanting to get married when we get older and starting a family together. My dad was actually ok with it! He said that he and my mom were apart for about five years during the war and he was in the army. He said that after school I could move back home and maybe we could pick it up from there. If it was meant to be. If not then there is no point in forcing it.

I was so happy that my parents didn’t have a negative word to say about the whole situation. It felt so good to have my parents be supportive of me. I hadn’t told them anything about Daniel and I during all the years we were together, but now I’m glad that they know. It puts my mind at ease and my heart on a higher plane.

They are planning to come see me this weekend. Which will be cool because my roomate will be gone this weekend for her birthday and the whole apartment will be mine! sweet eh?

I just felt like I knew where I was going now and I knew what needed to be done.

The world is my oyster. (What does that mean exactly?)