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I Was A Dancer All Along

Lykke Li, “Dance, Dance, Dance”

I’m in New York right now. Staying at Tracy’s… and I can’t sleep. My quarters are comfortable enough, it’s just that I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking. I was just thinking about the fact that I don’t have an anchor anymore and of course that snowballed into a big deal in my mind.

I guess I always try to keep those kinds of thoughts at bay because I know it’s just one of those things that will keep me up at night. Those kind of things creep up on me when I’m not seeing anyone in particular and I think, “I’m pretty much alone in life.”

It’s either no one or everyone. I know Jamie would be there for me if I needed her. At the same time I know there are certain family members (mom, dad, Auntie E) who would be as well. Though for some reason that isn’t enough to be comforting. I know they would be there for me in the event of an emergency like if I needed to be bailed out of jail or if I wound up in the hospital. But what about in the event that I need someone to sit on the couch and watch a movie with on a Friday night? Or if I needed someone to cook dinner with? When I need to be comforted who do I turn to? Myself.

I haven’t had an anchor for awhile now and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I know it definitely makes me a different person. I wonder if this is a bad thing. Perhaps I just need to get used to the idea of being completely autonomous (which I have been for some time now) even though I have a natural desire to be co-dependent. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and when I think about where I want mine to go, sometimes I get scared when I realize I’m just planning for myself. I’m not saying that I want to plan someone else’s future, but I guess I kind of freak out when there are no guidelines for me to keep in mind. I’m not tracing along lines that are already there and adding flourishes where ever I feel they are appropriate. I am totally freehanding it and that scares me.

It’s sort of a lose-lose situation here. I can either be completely self-reliant and convince myself that I will be happier this way. Or I can admit that I am more comfortable when I have someone else in my life, and  realize how unhappy I am without one.

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Live from New York, it’s… Thursday Night!

Just checking in from Auntie Evelyn’s in New York. I just arrived this morning and so far I’ve done close to nothing. This is mainly due to an injury sustained earlier this morning when we went to get breakfast. I’m hoping my foot feels better by tomorrow, I don’t want to miss out on anything while I’m here.

I’m planning on checking out this telescope thing: http://www.tiscali.co.uk/telectroscope/home.php. Take a look around this store: http://www.ekovaruhuset.se/newyork.htm. And look for Terra Planas: http://www.yelp.com/biz/terra-plana-new-york

Also, I just wanted to touch on a few things that have been on my mind lately. Gas prices… are now averaging around $4.50 per gallon. There is alot of talk about food shortages, we haven’t felt it so much in Los Angeles, New York, San Francisco, etc. but areas all over the world are feeling it. The poorest are the ones who are suffering the most. The weather, the weather is definitely changing. The entire temperature of the Earth has increased and I don’t think anyone can really ignore that global warming is very real and has already started.

All these things freak me out. I don’t want to give up my way of life, as lame as it sounds. I know nobody does, nobody that has it nice anyway, but that’s what we are going to have to do if we don’t want to go out in a puff of smoke. It’s suddenly very real and right at our doorstep. It can no longer be ignored and I feel like every available resource that we have should be put to finding new ways to live and adapt in the new global environment we have created. We need to stop what is happening, reverse the effects if possible, and find the best ways to live with what we still have. I’ve decided to stop eating meatall together. One less meat eater = one less person demanding the resources needed to raise a cow, pig, or chicken. One less unneccessary cow, pig or chicken leaving a carbon footprint and a methane bubble. I need to start riding my bike more, not so much because I need to, I take the train everywhere (though I believe it still runs on fossil fuels as of right now), but to show my solidarity with bike commuters and encourage ridership. I’m getting all preachy and starting to sound like I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, these are just some ideas I needed to get out. Talk to you later.

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Set Your Soul On Fire

“If you get really excited about a possibility, that is your soul speaking to you. Do that which sets your heart free and on fire – passion is an essential barometer to measure happiness.”

– Evelyn “Auntie E” Foreman

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Life: Redefine Yourself

so we’re here remembering
our fatality

So as a general philosophy I believe that you decide the kind of person you want to be. Of all the things in this world the one thing you can control is who you are. You can’t control other people. You can’t control the weather, the world, politics, the environment, society… but you have total control over your own choices and the kind of person you choose to be.

Growing up I never had much self esteem. I was definitely more of a follower than a leader. I thought I was weak in general but had a lot of heart. Which, I suppose, made me pretty sensitive. The fact that my mom yelled at me at least 2-3 times a week didn’t help much either. It just taught me to cry in private rather than in front of her because that would lead to more scolding. The yelling actually really hurt my ears to the point where it was all a droning sound that I thought it would eventually lead to hearing loss. I’m pretty sure that my mother always getting on me about things that I didn’t do right or didn’t do well enough did not help with the self-esteem issues. She never taught me how to believe in myself because that is not the Chinese way, that’s an American thing. You’re supposed to live for the benefit of the family, not for yourself. You do what your parents tell you to do, not what you want to do. It was a very confusing time because every now and then she would ask me what I wanted to be but then would tell me what to do.

It was a bit of a challenge growing up and being in middle school then high school almost completely devoid of confidence. I didn’t have much of a social life either because I actually lived in a different school district than the one I attended. After school and weekend gatherings with friends were things I rarely ever got to partake in. On several occasions they didn’t even invite me because they knew the answer would be no. That hurt a lot.

When I learned how to drive I was no longer dependent on my parents’ schedule. I could hang out with friends after school and go out on weekends, of course I still had to ask permission but it was better than nothing. I still didn’t live life like all my friends though, and being an observer doesn’t teach you all of life’s lessons. I did learn a lot but I didn’t actually experience the emotions myself so I was totally unprepared for what was to come.

Eventually I decided to stop just letting things happen to me. I was going to make things happen because I could. I hadn’t realized it before because I didn’t know what I was capable of but I really could do whatever I wanted (assuming that what I wanted to do wasn’t to bend time or space). I didn’t even know who I was because I was never allowed to be anyone I wanted to be. I was who my parents wanted me to be. They had made all my major life decisions. Even when they asked what I wanted, they never really listened.

So I designed an archetype for myself from characters from books, film, and television as well as a few people I knew in real life. I won’t go into detail about it but every now and then I take a look at the blueprint I’ve made for myself and try to see if things are going according to plan. Sometimes I’m surprised at how easy it was to fill one of the quotas. Other times I think about how much work went into that area of myself and I also wonder to myself “how am I going to get there?”

But lately I’ve been noticing that the foundation on which all this was built is still the same. I’m still the same person on the inside. I’m still over emotional, sensitive, and worried about what other people think. All the things that I thought I had changed about myself are still there, I’ve just learned how to cover it up or hold it back.

Does self awareness keep me from being that person I want to be? Maybe I can’t be “that person,” because that kind of person doesn’t know when she’s being heartless. She isn’t aware when people hate her or think she is cold. She doesn’t worry or care about throwing away opportunities because she doesn’t see them. She doesn’t have the time for second chances because she has no faith in people. Maybe I can’t be this person and still maintain the qualities that I love about myself. Is it possible that maybe you can’t willingly change who you truly are and always were deep down? You can’t change the core of “you”?

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Oh the places you’ll go!

At this moment I have three friends scattered across Europe. All are there independent of each other and all are probably in different countries.

My friend Andy is in the USAF and is there working. He’s either in Berlin or Paris. He’s usually in Berlin but last he told me he was headed to Paris, for what reason I’m not sure.

My cousin is backpacking through Europe right now. Last I talked to her she was in London but that was about week ago. She was traveling with a friend but when they arrived in London her friend was sent back to New York, for what reason I do not know. Taking time to travel through Europe is something I’d really like to do. I know this is probably true for a lot of liberal Americans but I just thought I’d mention it.

My friend Sean is currently in Italy for a wedding. Can you imagine getting married in Italy (and not living there). Better yet, getting married in a castle in Italy. I think that’s what they’re doing anyway, or maybe the reception is in a castle. Either way, I’ve never been to a castle before, let alone a castle in Italy.

Meanwhile, I’m here, in Los Angeles…which may seem glamorous to some but it really isn’t, or maybe I’m just jaded. There is something to be said though about sleeping in your own bed. Sometimes you’ll sleep in better but more often than not it’s hard to fall asleep in a foreign bed.

Like I said before, I really want to travel through Europe some time. I had always thought that I would do it once I graduated from college, but I just went right into working. It’s not bad, I love my work, but I now have to find time to do the Europe thing.

I think the last time I used my passport was when I went to Puerto Vallarta for my senior trip. I can’t believe that was five years ago. Five years. Saying it out loud makes it unbelievable because it feels like I just left high school. The memories are still fresh. Does that mean I’ve done nothing as memorable since then? Or perhaps I spent so much time there with those people that it will take longer to forget. I like to think it’s the latter.

Anyway, I know I’ve done this before (not here) but I’ve compiled my travel wishlist:

  • London
  • Fiji
  • Paris
  • Rome
  • Greece
  • Denver
  • Tokyo
  • South Africa
  • New Zealand
  • Washington, D.C.
  • Iceland

I can think of more but at this point I’m just naming places. I’d also like to revisit New York and San Francisco. Always San Francisco. Now I just have to find the time and money. I guess I’ll be reading 4-Hour Work Week.