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Feeling Not Good Enough?

I feel abandoned. Just because I’m not allowed to go do something I get left behind. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own fun but I hate being left out. I think it stems from my childhood.

I grew up in a city about 6 miles from my school and all of my friends. I never got to do that “hanging out at ____’s house and riding bikes and playing in the clubhouse after school” thing. I was always left out. I only go to hear stories of what happened when I went to school the next day. I never got to hang out with them on weekends because that was “family time” and besides the fact that I had Chinese school and art classes from 9 a.m. to 3  p.m. on Saturdays, so really Sundays were family days.

I wasn’t allowed to sleepover at anyone’s house…and I’m still not. So I was always left out of slumber parties, camping trips, or any overnight trips for that matter. My friends would get to hang out late at the Ice Chalet and go to city sponsored dances (which sounds really lame but when you’re in middle school it’s like the hot club everyone goes to). I could never go, I always had school the next day, or they were going to be out too late or what not.

Anyways, I was always left out of things and no matter how much my friends said they loved me and shit I never felt like I was part of their group. While they were out I would be at home watching TV, alone, in my room. I couldn’t call anybody because everyone was out (duh!) and nobody ever said “Oh I’ll come over and hang out with you” or “I’ll stay home and talk to you on the phone.”

So now when my close friends go out and I can’t come along (not just friends, but boyfriends too) I feel really abandoned and forgotten. I feel like if they really valued my friendship or if they really cared then they would want to hang out with me, even if it is just over the phone. So I get mad and I push them away… and end up alone anyway.

Excuse me, I have to go cry into my pillow now.

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Censored For Your Protection

It’s hard to separate internet life from real life when you introduce your friends to your internet life.

You can no longer write anything personal without having questions to answer in person…and you can no longer write about your real feelings without possibly hurting someone else’s.

I think my journal entries used to be a lot more interesting…for the first coupla weeks anyway. Then I had hell to pay for some stuff I had written so now I have to be careful and I hate it.

bullocks to this, man.

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Inland Invasion + Shag Signing Recap

I went to KROQ’s Inland Invasion yesterday and I was supposed to be going with SGLA but my plans got messes up.

I woke up at 6:30 yesterday because Shag was going to be signing merchandise at Disneyland that he designed in commemoration of The Enchanted Tiki Room’s 40th anniversary. I figured it would be good to get there early. SHAG was to arrive at 10 a.m. and the park opened at 8, so I’m thinking we get there right when the park opens and we’ll be the first ones in line. Of course, we are late.  We get there at 8:30 and there are already at least 250+ people in line… great.

Keep in mind that somewhere between 11 and 12 Daniel and I are supposed to be heading over to Portfolio in the Long Beach to meet up with the kids from SGLA who are heading to the concert.

So for some unknown reason they are taking FOREVER to ring people up with their merchandise. This is all before 10 so SHAG isn’t even there to sign anything yet. This is the SLOWEST line to ever grace the planet. It took 6 hours to finally get inside the store, pay for my stuff and meet SHAG again. What did he say about my tattoo? “Neat,” just as I thought. Luckily I wasn’t as disappointed as I had imagined I would be. Maybe it was because I was so pissed that I waited for 6 hours and totally flaked out on my friends in SGLA who were waiting for me and Daniel to get to Inland Invasion.

Luckily SHAG agreed to stay until 3 to sign merchandise of leaving at 1 which was what had been scheduled. I didn’t get to buy the purse that I had been so excited about. I was actually going to get to own a SHAG purse but noooo, people bought two each and now they are selling them on eBay for $70+ (original price: $37) same with the limited edition mugs and serigraphs. Jerks!

Finally we leave Disneyland and make out way into the boondocks that is the Inland Empire. How can people live there? I step out of the car to get some money from the gas station and this uncomfortably hot breeze rises from the dirt on the ground and sweeps over my body… gross.

So we get into THEE Worst Venure Ever (a.k.a. The Glen Helen Hyndai Pavilion), and Interpol is playing. I wanted to see them. We’ve already missed Berlin, Bow Wow Wow, Drama Rama, General Public and Fountains of Wayne. Well, we also missed Dashboard Confessional but I coudn’t care less about that. People are hot and sticky, I have a huge plastic totebag with pointy corners (not good for walking though crowds), and we can’t find the rest of the SGLA crew because my phone doesn’t get very good reception in the boonies. But we do see Daniel’s cousin, et al. so we hang out with them.

So, “lawn seating” is possibly one of the worst concepts ever contrived. I hate lawn seating. The only thing good about it is that you can dance without falling over chairs, other than that you are sitting on a blanket on top of damp grass among empty cups and plates with some food still on them that bees and flys are buzzing around while trying to look around the people standing in front of you to see the screen because you are too far away from the stage to even see the performers. Oh, this is just a few of the reasons why I will not be attending another event at the Glen Helen Hyndai Pavillion… unless it is the demolition of the venue.

Oh, and another thing, I was watching The Cure play and for some reason unbeknown to me this guy stands five inches behind me. Now at this point of the night a lot of people had gone home and there were a lot of open spaces on the lawn where this guy could stand. For example, I had a HUGE space in front of me because I wanted room to dance and to let Billy the Drunk (aka Billy the Dancing Machine) go crazy with his funky moves. Right, so Robert Smith & Co. start playing “Just Like Heaven” and I’m dancing and I keep hitting the guy. Wouldn’t you take this as a hint to take a step back? I certainly would!

Unfortunately, he just stands there. So I try to fix the problem by moving forward more, and the idiot follows me! He actually moves up! So this goes on for another 20 minutes before Daniel and I switch spaces and Daniel stands a two feet behind me as a buffer. Finally the asshole and his friend go up closer and stand two inches behind someone else. Thank you, Baby Jesus!
Just so I don’t sound like Captain Complain McWhiney I’ll tell you some things I did enjoy yesterday.

  • I enjoyed seeing SHAG again…I enjoyed getting my mini print signed and asking him about tattoo flashes.
  • I enjoyed listening to some of Interpol’s set.
  • I enjoyed accidently socking Daniel in the nose. I did not enjoy him getting mad at me for it. Sorry!
  • I enjoyed meeting Shalome and finally finding the SGLA gang.
  • I enjoyed Duran Duran’s set.
  • I enjoyed getting closer to the stage so I could actually SEE the stage but still just stared at the screens the whole time.
  • I enjoyed dancing and singing my head off to Hot Hot Heat’s Set.
  • I enjoyed getting a Hot Hot Heat shirt, even though it’s kinda small. Well, maybe I’ll shrink into it.
  • I enjoyed The Cure’s set, especially when they played “Pictures of You” and “Boys Don’t Cry”
  • I enjoyed the three encores that The Cure played.
  • I enjoyed telling people about how I had been up since 6:30 and how I had waited in a line for 6 hours
  • I enjoyed finally getting to take my contacts and makeup off. I think I need to buy new make-up that doesn’t make me want to scratch my face off after 10+ hours.

That’s plenty for now.