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Peepol Skillz Fail

Seem to be failing on all social interaction fronts.

1. I feel like everyone seems to be annoyed by me lately so I’ll just keep to myself for awhile.

2. I’m once again doing that thing where I might be on the verge of liking someone but the thought being in a relationship really freaks me out. This has really only started happening this year. I wonder what that’s about.

I think it’s more the idea of being locked into something that causes me to go into a slight panic and try to find excuses to dislike a person. The strange thing is that I’ve never had “commitment issues” (which is the most readily available term I can find for it right now) before and I’m not sure what could have happened that would cause me to think that way.

Though, I have a few theories. I’ll need some time to reach a final conclusion.

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One Decision

So for about a year or so I’ve been thinking about where I want to move next. I’ve been thinking about my whole future actually but that never tends to work out so well so I figured I should concentrate on my 5, even 3, year plan.

I know I want to explore the world and I don’t really know where I want to settle down just yet. I’ve done Los Angeles, I’ve done San Francisco. So my plan was to try and figure it out. I made up a list of cities that I’d consider living and told myself I’d go visit those cities. These cities included New York (I’ve been there several times before), Portland (check, did that last year), Seattle, Chicago, Vancouver, and Washinton D.C.

The thing is, I think I’m still in love with San Francisco. So what am I doing?

Am I forcing myself to see what else is out there because I don’t want to settle for what I’ve already had? What is more important? Going with what I want right now? Or planning for the future?

So I’ve recently decided that I should just go with it. If San Francisco is what I’m feeling then San Francisco is where I should be. And if it doesn’t work out, I can try other cities. No one is making me stay there forever. Who knows what will happen in the future, maybe I’ll end up in Cardiff or something, but I know for right now, I still love SF.

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We Are Living in a Social Network World

… and I am a social networking girl.

So I’m watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and it’s possibly the first good movie I’ve seen in a long time. I’m really enjoying it, you know? And the first thing I think is something like “Man, I need to tell someone I’m watching this great movie!” Not word for word but like I said, something like that. Anyway, I feel this immediate need to share this with someone. Voila, the effects of too much social networking (namely, Twitter).

It makes me wonder what I used to do when I watched a good movie, or read a great book. Did I feel the need to find someone to talk to about it? Did I feel the need to share?

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life is all kinds of things

life is all kinds of things. it’s funny, not funny “ha ha” but the other way. it’s weird. it’s sucky. it’s beautiful. it’s a journey. it’s a race? is it about the destination? or getting lost and finding your way again? it’s not a cake walk. it’s a struggle. it’s a fight.

sometimes though, sometimes I tell myself to give up. to stop fighting back. just give up and see what happens. what will happen when I stop fighting it and I just love whatever comes instead of constantly railing against it. things that are making me unhappy, maybe I should just give up and know that this is one of those times when I don’t get to win.

maybe life is not an uphill battle. maybe life is a roller coaster and this is not one of the high points (maybe it doesn’t even end in a high point). maybe I just have to know that even though it’s lasting longer than I’d ever thought it would, maybe that’s just what has to happen. and maybe there’s no explanation for it. there’s no rationale, no reason, no rhyme. all my theories, explanations, and rationalizations about life are all trifling.

while it’s fighting me and throwing its punches, all I can do is take the hits with a bittersweet love for it in my soul.

I think I just stumbled on to the idea of Nihilism, but cozier.