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In My Room

I am alone. It is said that in a urban setting one is more inclined to be alone and live alone than those in suburban or rural settings. Someone living in the city might be surrounded by people but at the same time not have a social life, not have friends at all, alone, maybe even lonely.

Here in my room, like the Beach Boys, I feel safe and comforted. I’m in a room filled with familiar things, things I love, my things. I take comfort in material items, is that bad? I never think of being attached to material items as being a negative because that is how I am.

Back to feeling alone. Actually I’m not feeling alone, I am alone. I sometimes don’t even want to leave my little cubicle of a space but sometimes I dearly wish he could be here to share it with me. It’s such a waste of cozy when I’m the only person here to enjoy it.

The best is when the room is filled with trumpeting piano jazz that keeps night right outside the window and plays off the warm reds and creams on my furniture. Sipping at cocoa or coffee and thinking about snowy fireplaces when it’s the middle of June. Watching old family movies that make me feel young on the inside again.

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Feeling Not Good Enough?

I feel abandoned. Just because I’m not allowed to go do something I get left behind. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own fun but I hate being left out. I think it stems from my childhood.

I grew up in a city about 6 miles from my school and all of my friends. I never got to do that “hanging out at ____’s house and riding bikes and playing in the clubhouse after school” thing. I was always left out. I only go to hear stories of what happened when I went to school the next day. I never got to hang out with them on weekends because that was “family time” and besides the fact that I had Chinese school and art classes from 9 a.m. to 3  p.m. on Saturdays, so really Sundays were family days.

I wasn’t allowed to sleepover at anyone’s house…and I’m still not. So I was always left out of slumber parties, camping trips, or any overnight trips for that matter. My friends would get to hang out late at the Ice Chalet and go to city sponsored dances (which sounds really lame but when you’re in middle school it’s like the hot club everyone goes to). I could never go, I always had school the next day, or they were going to be out too late or what not.

Anyways, I was always left out of things and no matter how much my friends said they loved me and shit I never felt like I was part of their group. While they were out I would be at home watching TV, alone, in my room. I couldn’t call anybody because everyone was out (duh!) and nobody ever said “Oh I’ll come over and hang out with you” or “I’ll stay home and talk to you on the phone.”

So now when my close friends go out and I can’t come along (not just friends, but boyfriends too) I feel really abandoned and forgotten. I feel like if they really valued my friendship or if they really cared then they would want to hang out with me, even if it is just over the phone. So I get mad and I push them away… and end up alone anyway.

Excuse me, I have to go cry into my pillow now.