Lykke Li, “Dance, Dance, Dance”
I’m in New York right now. Staying at Tracy’s… and I can’t sleep. My quarters are comfortable enough, it’s just that I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking. I was just thinking about the fact that I don’t have an anchor anymore and of course that snowballed into a big deal in my mind.
I guess I always try to keep those kinds of thoughts at bay because I know it’s just one of those things that will keep me up at night. Those kind of things creep up on me when I’m not seeing anyone in particular and I think, “I’m pretty much alone in life.”
It’s either no one or everyone. I know Jamie would be there for me if I needed her. At the same time I know there are certain family members (mom, dad, Auntie E) who would be as well. Though for some reason that isn’t enough to be comforting. I know they would be there for me in the event of an emergency like if I needed to be bailed out of jail or if I wound up in the hospital. But what about in the event that I need someone to sit on the couch and watch a movie with on a Friday night? Or if I needed someone to cook dinner with? When I need to be comforted who do I turn to? Myself.
I haven’t had an anchor for awhile now and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I know it definitely makes me a different person. I wonder if this is a bad thing. Perhaps I just need to get used to the idea of being completely autonomous (which I have been for some time now) even though I have a natural desire to be co-dependent. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and when I think about where I want mine to go, sometimes I get scared when I realize I’m just planning for myself. I’m not saying that I want to plan someone else’s future, but I guess I kind of freak out when there are no guidelines for me to keep in mind. I’m not tracing along lines that are already there and adding flourishes where ever I feel they are appropriate. I am totally freehanding it and that scares me.
It’s sort of a lose-lose situation here. I can either be completely self-reliant and convince myself that I will be happier this way. Or I can admit that I am more comfortable when I have someone else in my life, and realize how unhappy I am without one.