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My Name is __, and I’m a Shopaholic

I took a quiz this morning to see if I am a compulsive buyer…turns out I am. I really could have just told myself that but I just wanted to check by answering obvious questions on the internet.

“They” say that compulsive buying is a disorder and addiction much like alcoholism and smoking cigarettes. “They” say I am trying to fulfill a need – or something along the lines of trying to fix myself using methods that are “destructive.”

So what isn’t abnormal or “acceptable” behavior nowadays?

I wouldn’t say it’s uncontrollable but then again I suppose I’ve never tried to control it. I do feel the need to sell some of my things because I’ve been buying so much. Does that offset any addiction indicators? I would guess there are varying degrees of this disorder, I would say that I fall into having mild compulsive buying disorder.

That is actually a little depressing. It’s not enough that I am indecisive but as it turns out I am never any one thing completely. I’m not depressed enough to actually need medication for it (I don’t think so anyway). I’m not enough of a shopaholic to get myself into a lot of trouble – which isn’t really that bad of a thing I guess. I’m not Chinese enough, according to my mom – I don’t know what she wants me to do, maybe only speak to people in Chinese? Only wear traditional silk Chinese dresses? Tattoo “Chinese” across my forehead?

If I think about it too much it makes me sad to think that I am just mediocre at everything. Not substantial at anything enough to be recognized for it. Not even bad enough at anything to be recognized. Then I start to think “So what? Why should you be any one thing or any one but who you want to be?” And then I feel better. (see this is how I can tell I am not really suffering from depression)

Anyway, back to shopaholicism. I’m not in so deep that I can’t dig myself out. So I guess I just need to realize I am spending too much money and cut it the fuck out. Or I can make money in some other way to balance out the expenditures.

This is the part where I get a hot tip from a friend or relative about some kind of contest where the prize money is just the amount I need to “buy back the farm.” So, what’ll it be? Talent Show? Dog Show? Dodgeball championship? Special Olympics?

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Dear Bob,

I’m going public with this.

This letter is written from one of the Professors at my school, San Francisco State University. Read it, it’s not only informative but also entertaining.

::This movie has been edited for TV ::

“Dear Bob,

As you are grappling with the budget crisis that is facing our university, I want to offer you some ideas that I believe will transform our institution and create a new and healthy enviornment here on campus…

Rather than making little cuts here and there, I suggest CUTTING YOUR ADMINISTRATION IN HALF…

Such a move will demonstrate that you are indeed the man of vision capable of making tough decisions that your supporters have claimed over the years.

By letting go half of the 54 admisistrators earning over $100,000 a year, figuring an average of $120,000 with benefits added, will save us approximately $4 million.

I PROMISE YOU THAT NONE OF THE FACULTY, STAFF OR STUDENTS WILL MISS THESE ADMINISTRATORS.

Please don’t misunderstand I am not against them…
On the contrary. I see how valuable they can be… Now, with the beginnings of a growing economy, and with the impending defeat of Bush, they will be eagerly sought out by the business community which is aware of the managerial skills they have aquired under your guidance. [this is me: ha ha ha]

Isn’t it time to correct your overcompensation? Of course this has nothing to do with your performance. But certainly no person in his right mind would suggest that the work you are doing is more important than that of the governer or mayor. Yet you recieve about $50,000 more than either of them. Arnold [The Governator] has given up his salary in its entirety. Gavin [Newsom, our mayor] is returning 15% of his compensation. Don’t you think it would be an admirable step, a sign of real leadership, for you to make a similar gesture?”

Then the last part is a couple more sarcastic jabs at the recent cuts our school went through. Our school fees just increased and will continue to increase for the next couple of years. We also completely cut some of the degree programs. Athletics has also lost funding…isn’t it fab?