a double life

It’s Monday, the 16th at 10:13 pm. I’m sitting on my bed, watching World Trade Center.

I feel like sometimes I lead a double life. In my off time I want to save the planet. I’m inspired by movies, documentaries, blogs, news, and I want to make things happen. But then the work day comes and I sit in my office and work, sometimes never seeing daylight from 9 a.m. until 6:30 p.m. I’m not even doing anything that is making a difference. In fact, lately I’ve been finding myself participating in things that I don’t even believe in. I am wasting my time and thus, my life. I’m trying to come up with a plan. I just need some time.

Can I Get Off This Ride Now?

This is the time when I realize I should not have procrastinated again. This is when I think back on all I have done for the past three weeks and realize I have not done ANY work at all.

This is also the time when I must fill my days with reading, studying and writing. I must not have any fun for the next week to make up for all the bullshit that I have been up to in the past.

And what am I going to school for anyway? To get a fabulous degree that will help me get an O.K. job which I’ll most likely hate and will make me miserable and I’ll just wish I was in middle school again when life was easy and I didn’t have to worry about things like rent, taxes, deadlines, and relations. I’ll be working for the proverbial man and getting nothing out of it just so that I can continue life on this planet and die with nothing.

I could work hard but what would I be working for? what would be the trophy at the end of my obstacle course? a party? working hard for a month so that I can go to Disneyland? or some high priced restaurant? getting my hair done? is that all life is about? it’s crap!

please kill me now.