Documenting the constant struggle of soul transformation
an excerpt from Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block:
“Yeah,” Duck said. “I saw it on that talk show once. These two gay guys and their best friend all slept together so no one would know for sure whose baby it was. And then they had this really cool little girl and they all raised her, and it was so cool, and when someone in the audience said, ‘What sexual preference do you hope she has?’ they all go together, they go ‘Happiness.’ Isn’t that cool?”
to me, that is poetry.
On Saturday night I was back in my hometown and I fell asleep next to the boy. I woke up and I was thinking:
“I miss this, I miss this so much and I will not get to have this for a very, very long time. Tomorrow I will be going back to S.F. and away from everything I grew up with, everyone I grew up loving.”
I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to give up the comfortable, familiar love of home. Home is so much more than just a word for me, it’s my world. Like everything that is not home is a vacation, even if I move it will not be “home”. Like now, where I am right now, this is not home.
I miss Daniel most of all, out of everything. Being in my room, it didn’t even feel like my room so much. I mean it felt like my house which is home, but I could bear to leave, but Daniel’s bedroom…I wanted to stay there forever
Tomorrow morning I am leaving. how exciting. It’s been ummm 10 or 11 years since I’ve been in Hong Kong. My parents and relatives have me taking so much crap with me to my aunt and cousin. I’m taking lots of mail (addressed to my aunt) and presents and steaks. Yeah, as in meat.
I opened my most important presents last night, from my honey, Dnaiel. He bought me seasons 1-5 of FRIENDS on DVD!! I’ll be watching friends for the rest of my life! haha.
Right now, however, I am watching the appendices of Two Towers…a Christmas present I bought for myself. Such great shit!
Again, merry Christmas to everyone and happy new year!
Wanted to add: it doesn’t feel like Christmas because I haven’t watched any Christmas movies yet
will only lead to heartache.
Though sometimes it’s the only way to know the truth and in my case this is always true. Now I want to sleep and never wake up… or just go on a shooting rampage, I think that might make me feel better. I don’t think confronting him about what I found will do any good because I’ve tried that many times and it never works to my advantage or solves anything.
Actually, I think what would make me really happy is if by some kind of divine miracle he started telling the truth. And that he would genuinely feel sorry for hurting me instead of leading me on with “I love you”s and “You know I care for you”s. Lies. Those are just words and they can be said to any other girl at the same time. Which wouldn’t be out of the ordinary.
I’m such a fool! I think that’s what bothers me the most is the many times I found out the truth and then said I wasn’t going back but still did. And believing that he really actually was my best friend and soul mate. It’s the worst feeling when you find out that who you’ve come to trust the most in this world isn’t worthy of having your trust. I’ve found that no matter what I thought about the truth it’s still better than the lie.
It’s so safe to play along
Falling in an out of love
I want a new mistake
Loose is more than hesitate
Do you believe it in your head?
How do you make a decision? How can you move on when you are so comfortable and set in your ways? Nobody wants to be alone, and if you don’t have to be why would you choose it? I mean yes, I’m single but I don’t have to be….so why am I still single?
It would be easier to get back with someone than find someone new. Wouldn’t it? I don’t have to be by myself and I keep fighting something that comes so willingly and easily. It’s like a piece of cake that I don’t want but I don’t turn it down. It’s handed to me on a plate, a platter even, and I’m being begged to take it, and I do, but I’m nibbling at this one while I look for another piece. It’s not fair, but it’s not a secret and it’s what I’m doing, and every now and then I stop to think about it.
This is what I think about these days, and why I fight it, and why I would want it. The answers…well, they aren’t coming to me. I want to just give up the fight sometimes and let it be, but then I think “How sad would that be?” To go back to how it was? Things end for a reason and no matter how nice it feels it’s still going to be the same.